BDSM Weblog

Filed under: Advice by Sammael
Tags: « breaking up - emotional pain - relationships »
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I don’t get to use a singletail very often. There’s really no great place for it in my house, and recently my girl and I haven’t been going out to the local dungeon very much. However, a few weekends ago we went to Frolicon, and they had a whip area set up there.

Gods, but I love the feeling of a whip in my hand. A flick of the wrist, and the cracker licks the skin softly. A snap of the elbow and a flick of the wrist, and it bites in. I love the feedback I get through the whip itself, and the feedback I get watching the bottom. The sound of it popping lightly, the twitch, and a moment later that angry red welt rising. It gives me shivers just thinking about it.

This is the third time I’ve gotten to use a whip on a live target, and first time I’ve really been able to do almost exactly what I wanted with it. I practiced for a while on a hat strung up as a target, but really my best practice came working with a live target. The first time wasn’t that great — there were a fair number of times where I missed my intended target. The second time was much better. And this last time… now I more fully understand why some people are addicted to the crack of the whip (pardon the pun).

My back after my first experience receiving a singletailing

Warning: rant ahead. (I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.)

A lot of people say you should practice for 10 years in a secluded monastery until you can knock over one dime in a row of dimes, blindfolded, before you use a whip on a person.

I call bullshit.

My whip teacher, who has been using whips for over 12 years, says that if you stay below the neck, you really can’t harm someone with a whip unless you strangle them, hit them with the blunt end really hard, or try to shove it down their throat. Other than that, you can make marks and maybe even draw blood, sure. But you’re not going to do anything that sends them to the emergency room. There’s simply not enough kinetic energy there. An amateur bondage enthusiast who doesn’t know what they’re doing can cause far worse damage than an amateur whip thrower.

This is coming from a guy that’s skilled enough to singletail someone’s face. I’ve seen him do it — just hitting with the fluff of the cracker on the eyelids for sensation play, biting in with the knot a bit on the cheeks. He often uses two whips simultaneously, Florentine style. I’m saying this not to glamorize him, but rather to say that this is a guy who knows his craft, and knows what his tools are capable of.

That said, if you’re learning on a live target, to begin with I highly suggest they wear a hoodie and some jeans. If they do that, they’re protected from anything you are likely to do to them — in fact, I can almost guarantee you that you’ll end up hurting yourself more than you will them.

The point is, a live person can tell you where you’re hitting, how hard you’re hitting, whether it’s a point of punctuation or a dragging feeling, whether you’re hitting with the cracker or the fall of a bullwhip (protip: don’t hit with the fall, almost no one likes that). Your skill will increase an order of magnitude faster when working with a live person, than with an inanimate target.

Filed under: Educational, Goings-On, Rants by Sammael
Tags: « frolicon - singletail »
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Age provides more opportunities to become mature; it does not magically grant it.

Being young does not mean that one is immature; it means that one is more likely to be immature. Conversely, neither does being older mean that one is mature. There are plenty of 40-somethings out there with the mentality of teenagers.

I’m young, and I apparently look even younger than I am*. I’m sure I’ve been the subject of age discrimination in the lifestyle, but I honestly have no problem with that. I am very forthright in what my level of experience is, and in that I am always looking to learn more — and I will be learning more so long as I draw breath. I think that respect should be earned, and I have no qualms with earning it from others, given a chance.

But to again flip the coin over, I also do not extend automatic respect just because someone has been in the lifestyle for several decades. I do tend to give a more leeway to those in the leather lifestyle that have earned the title of master, but I liken that to someone with the title of master in martial arts. At the very least, they (ostensibly) have a lot of experience. But someone not in the leather lifestyle who introduces themselves as “Master Suchandsuch” does tend to turn me off immediately. Sort of like those I mentioned in my last post, the dominants/masters online who use capital letters when referring to themselves (e.g. “I am a twue master, and My slaves all know it and bow before Me”).

* At the first munch I went to, asking my age was one of the first questions out of several people’s mouths. My response was always, “Guess first, and then I’ll tell you.” The numbers that most guessed were about 7 years too young.

Filed under: Rants, Thoughts by Sammael
Tags: « age - leather - master - rant »
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I’m not talking about capitalizing one’s name. That’s just proper grammar.

But when someone refers to themselves as in, “It is My opinion that…” it immediately makes me think that they’re overcompensating. Same feeling I get when people introduce themselves as “Master so-and-so.” Or when listening to a conversation where doms are having a proverbial dick measuring contest, trying to prove that they’re the most twue dom.

What about the flip side of the coin, you ask? When a submissive refers to themselves like, “i think…”? Still sets off some alarms for me, but for some reason not quite so much — I’m not sure why, and I’ll have to think about that.

And I also have no issue with one party or the other using differentiated capitalization when writing to the other — to the contrary, I think that’s a good way for a submissive to show deference.

Filed under: Rants by Sammael
Tags: « capitalization »
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In a lot of the more serious dungeons, there is no alcohol allowed. The secondary issue with that is that would require a liquor license in most places too, but nonetheless, most serious lifestylers agree that drinking and BDSM don’t go together.

I’d thought that most, in fact, were teetotalers when it came to drinking and playing.  And while some definitely are, the more I talked to people in the community, the more I found out that this wasn’t true. A friend of (who is an experienced dominant) had a few drinks when we were at dinner before playing in the dungeon, and I was a bit surprised. She told me, “A drink or two helps me to loosen up some.” She’s deadly accurate with a singletail whip (or with two at once!), and who am I to question her judgment?

And the more I paid attention, the more I saw this philosophy in other experienced players. Now, it was generally when they were playing with someone they were already experienced with, which is important to note.  And that also brings me to a…

Caveat! I am not saying that you should drink and kink. I am saying that from my personal experience, one needn’t be of the philosophy “if you’ve had a single drop of alcohol then you can’t play for the night!” I myself have played when I was too close to that edge, and better safe than sorry as they say.

In fact, my “too close to the edge” incident happened recently. It was at a gothy event that had some BDSM on the side, and with my girl not there and me without my equipment, I wasn’t planning on playing, so I had a few drinks. Then an opportunity planted itself firmly in my lap. There was a girl at the event that I’d wanted to play with for some time, but the timing was never right. Speaking with her there, it seemed that she had wanted to play with me as well. A guy standing next to us offered his flogger. I’m a pretty good self-judge, and I knew I hadn’t had enough drinks in me to lose accuracy. And the flogger, like the girl, was very well put together. So I couldn’t resist.

What I didn’t account for was that the flogger was weighted very differently than I was used to — it had longer falls, and a longer handle. My floggers are generally balanced right around the neck, this one was balanced further down the handle. So there were a few times that I wrapped. Which grates on my nerves like fingernails across a chalkboard. It screams amateur, and I am better than that.

The girl graciously told me afterward that she hardly noticed, and that it was a great scene. But you see, I’m a self-perfectionist. Also, what if I had had more drinks? Would I have passed up the opportunity in favor of caution? I think I would have, but I can’t really say.

This weekend I will be attending Frolicon, where there will lots of alcohol, and lots of play going on. I generally only make a mistake once, and I won’t be making that one again.

Filed under: Goings-On, Thoughts by Sammael
Tags: « alcohol - frolicon »
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I have known some tops that seem to draw self-esteem through their dominance, and though that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it can be a warning sign. I believe that real self-esteem is a thing that comes from within. It’s great to feel that charge, to feel on top of the world when you’re topping someone else. But if you have feelings of worthlessness when you don’t have a bottom/submissive/slave/etc., then I think you have some deeper issues that need to be worked out, and you should ask yourself whether you’re using your dominant activities as a salve for something that needs more serious attention.

And though I talk about this from the perspective of a top, the same is true of the other side. If you feel worthless unless you have someone to serve, that is not healthy. While the lifestyle provides a good outlet for filling that void, it can also be used as a band-aid to cover up deeper issues that need direct attention (and possibly even therapy).

Just to make it clear, I’m not saying that if you don’t feel complete without dominance/submission being part of your life then there’s something wrong with you, or you have no self-esteem.  I’m saying that if you measure your worth (consciously or subconsciously) by the presence of someone filling that role in your life, then you should ask yourself if your use of BDSM is feeding  the problem rather than solving it. I strongly believe BDSM is a healthy way for many people to work through issues, but that’s not to say that all people engage in it in a healthy manner.

Of course, the same is true in the vanilla world. Again, self-esteem that is absent without the love/affection/attention/approval of another isn’t self-esteem at all. And here I would like to say that you, dear reader, are a worthwhile individual of your own accord, with or without a partner, in the BDSM world or otherwise.

Filed under: Thoughts by Sammael
Tags: « dominance - psychology - self-esteem »
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My friend Jerzeem, whom I’ve known since I was 10, called me a little over week ago, and said, “Sammael, if I’ve ever said or even thought anything bad of your lifestyle choice, I apologize profusely.” Amused, I let him go on, and it came out that he had encountered his first submissive girl — or at least, his first submissive girl who was overtly into BDSM. The idea that a woman would want him to order her around, and would put his happiness above her own wants (or rather, would achieve fulfillment from seeing to his desires), was pretty eye-opening for him. It struck home, I think, when he was on a date with her having ice cream. He playfully went to dab some on her nose, she reflexively pulled away. So he said, “Hey, get over here.” And she did. And yea verily, Jerzeem was hooked.

Knowing that I was into the lifestyle, he talked to me, related his story, and got some advice. I am ever gleeful to bring someone over to the dark side. Since then he’s been reading some good literature, and getting involved in the community of FetLife.com.

Last week, he also needed a change of scenery, to get away from some distinctly negative influences for a while, so he visited me. In addition to all the normal hanging out stuff, we did a few lifestyle-oriented things.

Wednesday, my mentor was holding a demonstration on flogging, so we went to that. I didn’t tell him that it was at a gay bar until we were on our way there. What? I’m a sadist, after all! Seriously though, he wasn’t squicked by that, and found the demonstration to be very informative. He also learned that when one goes to a demonstration, one inevitably gets the intense urge to practice whatever was being demonstrated. The price of knowledge.

Later that week, we went to a local munch, and this one was good in that it had a discussion (last week’s topic was punishment and obedience training). So he got to meet some people in a non-threatening environment, and listen to a lot of different viewpoints. Unfortunately, the room we had at the buffet was overflowing, so it was a bit tough to carouse much.

Then later in the weekend, there was a play party at the local dungeon. It was one of the less crowded nights, which was a good thing in that it meant my girl and I actually got to use the whip room (it’s been way too long since I’ve been able to singletail her, and we got crack-blocked at a previous play party by someone who jumped us in line for the equipment). It also wasn’t overwhelming for Jerzeem. As almost everyone is their first time in a dungeon, he felt a little awkward, and was quiet, but he enjoyed the experience, and got to see a few different styles of play. One thing he noted was that a lot of the play was more ritualized than he’d imagined it would be.

So, he got a little taste of a few different aspects of the BDSM world last week. He’s already arranged to go to some munches in his home town, and is even looking forward to a BDSM convention there. And he just this weekend realized that Harley and Joker had a distinctly BDSM-tinted relationship. Let’s just hope he doesn’t think too hard about Batman and Robin. Ageplay, anyone?

Filed under: Goings-On by Sammael
Tags: « friend - newbies »
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I mentioned breath play a bit in my last post; specifically, that Jay Wiseman is against all forms of breath play. And as a preface to this, don’t try carotid chokes until you’ve been taught by someone who knows what they’re doing, and have practiced it with someone on the other end that knows what it should feel like when properly applied (so they can tell you first-hand whether you’re doing it right or not). Judo and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes are great for learning these techniques. I do not purport to be an expert on any of this. I have some experience, and that is all that I can speak of.

What I engage in is really more of “oxygen play” than breath play — coming from a martial arts background, I know a variety of chokes, and in martial arts they are split into two categories: blood chokes and air chokes. Blood chokes (like the sleeper hold, also known as the rear naked choke) cut off the flow of blood to the brain, whereas air chokes cut off the air supply to the lungs (which eventually cuts off the supply of oxygen to the brain). Blood chokes are far and away my favorite, for a couple of reasons.

First, blood chokes are much safer. Air chokes, which generally put pressure on the trachea, can cause damage to the trachea if there is too much struggling or if you apply the choke too hard. With blood chokes, unless you’re incredibly strong and using all of your strength, it’s unlikely that you’ll cause any damage even if you put the choke on very hard (assuming you let go once the other person goes limp).  According to Knight’s book Forensic Pathology, there is an expert consensus that it takes a minimum of four to six minutes to start to do permanent brain damage with a completely effective choke hold. So when you’re talking about 10 seconds or less, you should be well within the safe zone.

Second, the effect of a blood choke is almost immediate — you can choke someone to unconsciousness in easily under 10 seconds, whereas with an air choke it could take a minute or more. This can be good and bad, depending on what you’re going for. With an air choke, that leaves more time for panic (if that’s what you’re going for), but also more time for struggling, and more opportunities for an accident to occur. I don’t care how bad a girl she’s been; crushing her trachea is not appropriate punishment!

A note about blood chokes and unconsciousness: there are several levels of unconsciousness, and a properly applied blood choke will put someone into a basic level of unconsciousness quickly. So quickly and easily that you might think they’re faking. Trust me, they’re not. And while you can safely apply the choke for a while longer after this — maybe an extra 5-10 seconds — their body will reflexively go into panic mode, and even though they’re unconscious, they will thrash about. While this isn’t particularly dangerous for them if you have them secured (and assuming you don’t apply the choke for a long time after that), it will cause them to come back to consciousness more panicked, and generally with a splitting headache to boot. I’ve made this mistake before, so please learn from my mistakes!

Also, choking to the point of unconsciousness is (of course) not the only option, nor one I necessarily recommend. It takes a huge level of trust from the bottom, and a fair amount of knowledge from the top, to safely do that. Engaging in carotid chokes that do not end in unconsciousness (i.e. are only applied for a second or two) also gives that feeling of power exchange, the moment of panic, the building of trust.

*    *    *

The other night, I talked some with my girl about breath play, trying to find out what she gets from it. I highly recommend that you talk with your partner about these sorts of things, by the way — not just breath play, but your SM relationship in general. Getting a peek into your partner’s head helps you know them better, which strengthens the bond, and also makes play more fun. Knowledge is power, after all. *grin*

For her, there are several elements. There is the element of struggle, which is enjoyable for her. She is physically strong, and also grew up with two brothers, so she’s used to wrestling. She also has dated far more women than men, and even the men she’s dated she’s been able to physically best them in such situations for the most part. So she’s used to winning. For me (a skinny guy) to be able to physically overpower her when she’s really trying gives a certain edge to it; she’s not roleplaying and pretending to let me take control over her, I am physically taking control of her in a very real way.

There is the physical element as well. Breath play makes orgasms more intense. This is no doubt why so many deaths from auto-erotic asphyxiation occur. I’m not sure how much of this is purely physical, and how much psychological. I can say that even clasping a hand around a partner’s throat and applying light pressure has seemed to make their orgasms more intense. Note that this experience is always with people who welcomed it though — it’s absolutely not the sort of thing you do without discussing it first. But I don’t need to tell you that. You are all negotiating before scenes, and all you tops that want to engage in breath play are asking if it’s okay, right? Good, I thought so!

But the biggest aspect is trust. Once I lock in a choke, there is the moment of panic. She knows that she is completely powerless, at my whim. And though there is that survival instinct screaming in her brain, she also knows that she is in no danger. It’s exciting; it’s a rush of adrenaline; it both requires trust and strengthens it.

And then when she comes to, there is that split second where she doesn’t know where she is, what’s going on, or what just happened. Fear. Confusion. But she sees my face, feels me against her, and she is immediately at ease. The contrast from one extreme to the other makes it all the more significant.

From my end, it’s the exact same from the other side of the coin. It is an amazing feeling of control, and it feels good knowing that someone trusts you to that extent. You can see it, and feel it. In this day and age of emotional repression and distancing, it is beautiful to be able to form a bond that close, and in doing this sort of thing, you experience how deep of a bond it really is.

Though all SM activities require trust, I think that breath play, and especially breath play involving carotid choking to the point of unconsciousness, requires a different level of trust. If the top were to do something wrong, by accident or on purpose, it could more easily and quickly result in death than with any other SM activity that immediately comes to mind.  The worst-case scenario, no matter how unlikely, is still pretty extreme. Perhaps this is one of the reasons that Jay Wiseman is against it.

For me, the risks are acceptable; my girl is more likely to be injured or killed out driving than while in my arms’ crushing caress. It’s a risk that each person involved has to weigh, but some people see it as unquestionably too dangerous to engage in, and I personally disagree vehemently with that notion.

Filed under: Educational, Thoughts by Sammael
Tags: « breath play - choke - martial arts - safety - trust - wiseman »
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I’ve noticed that a lot of BDSM books seem to go to extreme lengths to stress the importance of safety, safe-words, Safe-Sane-Consensual, etc. Important!: I do not think that this is a bad thing! But it seems to be at odds with some of the older BDSM traditions. For example, in my experience, there are many in the leather lifestyle (and especially Old Guard) that don’t play with safe words.

So I’m wondering if many published S&M how-to books are written with the kid gloves on because that’s all publishers are willing to print. As one example, Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101 among other books, is pretty adamantly against any type of breath play or choking. Even carotid chokes by people who know what they’re doing; chokes which have been used in Jiu Jitsu for hundreds of years without fatality. Of course I’d never recommend that a beginner try such a thing, but saying that it shouldn’t be done, across the board, is extreme in my opinion.  There is always some element of risk, but that is also less risky than a lot of the things that he does encourage in his books.  But I digress.

I think another part of the reason that many published SM books seem to be conservative (hah!) when it comes to theses sorts of things is that the intended audience for many such books is BDSM newbies, for the most part. You don’t exactly want to tell a newbie it’s sometimes okay to play without safewords; that’s like telling a kid it’s sometimes okay to ingest bleach. While it’s true (there’s a little bleach in your tap water), it’s easy to take it the wrong way and end up doing something dangerous.

But is that perhaps giving the younger generation a bias? Laying down “laws” which, to quote Pirates of the Carribean, are really more of guidelines? It’s not uncommon to see the attitude of, “If you’re not doing it how I think is best, then you’re doing it wrong,” but these days that seems to usually end up coming out as, “If you’re not playing with these certain certain precautions (like safe words), you’re doing it wrong.”

Filed under: Rants by Sammael
Tags: « education - literature - old guard - safety - tradition »
7 Comments »

As a top, guilt has been my constant enemy. Psychology, the church, popular media… our culture at large tells us pretty point-blank that you’re sick if you like inflicting pain on someone else; if you enjoy having absolute power over them; if you enjoy degrading them.  These things are bad — never mind if the other person wants and even asks for them.   And as another mental barrier for men, a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances.  It’s cowardly; it’s weak; it’s deplorable.  So society tells us.

Of course, I’m not the only one that struggles with this, and it’s not limited by any means to males or sadists.  My own bottom feels guilty for asking for pain.  My friend Clarisse went through guilt and horror and shame when she realized that she was into BDSM. For bottoms, there is the stigma that only crazy people want pain, and for female bottoms there are additional stigma — you’re reinforcing an abusive stereotype, you’re going against everything feminists have worked to give you, etc. Man, don’t get me started on that feminist one. Feminism is about equality and women having the same choices men do, so maybe not all women want to be doctors and corporate raiders, dig? Damnit, I got started. Okay, reeling it in.

In any case, I find that this often is a barrier to play at home. As if leading busy lives with often-conflicting schedules weren’t enough (which is worthy of a post on its own), she feels like she’s bugging me if she asks for a spanking, and I feel like an Evil Guy (in a bad way) if I tell her I want to give her one.

But in the dungeon, or at a club, that’s not the case.  Maybe part of it is that in those places I’m more in uniform.  Maybe it’s just that I associate BDSM activities with those places, so it’s easier to get into my headspace.  Maybe it’s less of a jump than it is at home — the difference between transitioning from watching television to spanking, versus leading her to a bench and bending her over it.

My mentor has made a few suggestions to overcome this, and we’re trying some things to see what works for us (for example, “I think I’m going to go to bed early,” usually equals, “I want to play (or have sex); follow me if you do too.”).

Filed under: Thoughts by Sammael
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