BDSM Weblog

I have known some tops that seem to draw self-esteem through their dominance, and though that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it can be a warning sign. I believe that real self-esteem is a thing that comes from within. It’s great to feel that charge, to feel on top of the world when you’re topping someone else. But if you have feelings of worthlessness when you don’t have a bottom/submissive/slave/etc., then I think you have some deeper issues that need to be worked out, and you should ask yourself whether you’re using your dominant activities as a salve for something that needs more serious attention.

And though I talk about this from the perspective of a top, the same is true of the other side. If you feel worthless unless you have someone to serve, that is not healthy. While the lifestyle provides a good outlet for filling that void, it can also be used as a band-aid to cover up deeper issues that need direct attention (and possibly even therapy).

Just to make it clear, I’m not saying that if you don’t feel complete without dominance/submission being part of your life then there’s something wrong with you, or you have no self-esteem.  I’m saying that if you measure your worth (consciously or subconsciously) by the presence of someone filling that role in your life, then you should ask yourself if your use of BDSM is feeding  the problem rather than solving it. I strongly believe BDSM is a healthy way for many people to work through issues, but that’s not to say that all people engage in it in a healthy manner.

Of course, the same is true in the vanilla world. Again, self-esteem that is absent without the love/affection/attention/approval of another isn’t self-esteem at all. And here I would like to say that you, dear reader, are a worthwhile individual of your own accord, with or without a partner, in the BDSM world or otherwise.

Filed under: Thoughts by Sammael