BDSM Weblog

For the past 4 days I’ve been hit by the flu, or a bad cold, or something that’s making me feel cruddy. This has resulted in me missing one party thrown by some of my lifestyle friends, a play party at the local dungeon, and a fetish ball. A new friend of mine was the volunteer for the demo at the play party, which was decorative needleplay, and she was feeling very nervous about it because no one she knew was going to be there. The fetish event looked like it was going to be a ton of fun, and a swinging couple that I’d not seen since maybe August was going to be there. A really fun couple, with a very sexy wife who has been intent on playing with me (read: fucking my brains out) for a long time. And though some lighter play has gone on, various circumstances have always prevented anything more in-depth (pun intended). This is yet another of those circumstances.

I fucking hate being sick. Hopefully today will be the end of it.

Filed under: Miscellaneous by Sammael
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There are certain people in the lifestyle that feel the need to tell you how long they’ve been in it almost as soon as you introduce yourself to them. This strikes me as a bit insecure — as if they are expecting or demanding some level of respect to be given (as opposed to earned) because they’ve “been in this for 48 years.” The people I respect most in this lifestyle don’t wear their years of experience as a badge of honor, but their experiences as a badge of honor. One of my first mentors had been into the BDSM lifestyle for far longer than I’ve been alive, but he never needed to say that.

I don’t personally care if you’ve been in the lifestyle 50 years or 50 days. Your skill, knowledge, and personality will earn my respect, not your trophies and the length of your dominance. There are some that have been doing this for just a few years that have my deep respect, and some that have been doing it for decades that don’t. Of course, then we get into the dichotomy of respecting the person, versus respecting their skill. But that’s a discussion for another day.

On a geeky note, I also saw this phenomenon a lot in tabletop and online roleplaying (of the D&D/Vampire sort, not the lifestyle sort). “I’ve been playing this character for 28 years. Bow before his magic godlike powers! BOW!!!”

I also often hear people in their early to mid thirties saying, “I’ve been in the lifestyle for twenty years.” I can do simple math. You want me to believe you’ve been in the BDSM lifestyle since you were 13? Forgive me, my friend, if I doubt that. Just because you were into rough sex at age 16 does not mean that you were “in the lifestyle” since then (into BDSM perhaps, bot not in the lifestyle). By that logic, I underwent extreme sensory deprivation for 9 months, so I was into BDSM before I was even born! I have just checkmated you in the BDSM dick measuring contest! (Shaddup, I know chess and measuring have nothing to do with one another.)

Filed under: Rants by Sammael
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In the last post, I talked about how S&M oftentimes gets a bad reputation in popular media, whether it’s from the news story of a scene gone wrong, or the depiction of a psychopath disguised as a BDSM enthusiast in a television show.  However, there are also some positive and/or accurate depictions of S&M in popular media, too. So I thought I would talk about just a few of those here. Feel free to let me know about others in the comments.

The Secretary

This movie is a good depiction of how people can discover that they are into BDSM, and also how it can be a healthy tool to cope with and work through life trauma and mental disorders.

CSI – Lady Heather

Lady Heather is the most sensible example of a BDSM practitioner I’ve seen in popular media, bar none.  She represents a good example of the more ritualized aspects of the lifestyle.

Rome

This scene is just an incredibly hot example of rough sex, with overtones of submission and dominance.  It’s set in Rome, so of course this is real slavery and not roleplay, but salient nonetheless, I think.

Filed under: Media by Sammael
Tags: « csi - Media - rome - secretary »
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Most people hear “S&M” and they think of psychopathic sadists, flesh being flayed from bone, emotional abuse, and other such negative things.  People tend to think in extremes, but the media has definitely played its part in sensationalizing the dangerous fringes, too.  A lot of us in this lifestyle and community are seeking to change that image, like my spectacular friend Clarisse Thorn.  I myself sometimes reach out to those not involved in the BDSM lifestyle and try to explain it to them, with varying degrees of success.

One tact I have taken that generally gets people to at least pause and think is to say bluntly, “Almost everyone is into BDSM.  You probably are, but you just don’t label it that way.”  This usually results in disbelieving/guarded expressions.  “Do you like being tied up in bed?  Spanked?  Do you like rough or aggressive sex?  Dirty talk?  Ever played out schoolteacher and student with your partner, or something like that?  That’s BDSM.  It’s not all whips and things.”

I recently told one friend that I was into BDSM, and she had the typical, “I could never do that, but whatever floats your boat,” response.  I found this odd, since I had seen her man laid over a bench and flogged several times (this was years before she had ever met him).  So I probed a bit more.  I found that she had indeed tied him down before, and also that she liked being spanked.  “Then You’re into BDSM.”  She still seemed dubious.

The next time I saw them, I brought up the flogging incident.  Her eyes got wide, and she got pretty excited.  I could see pieces of the puzzle falling into place.  “Wait, what?  So… that time we looked at the whip, you wanted me to use it on you?” she asked him.

He chuckled and responded, “Well yeah, of course.”  Her eyes brightened further.  Maybe she assumed that because she was a woman, she was expected to be the submissive and/or masochist.  Let’s just say that a new door was opened for that couple.

Like all things, there are different types and levels of BDSM.  It can be ritualized and deep, or it can be light and playful.  It can involve pain, or not.  Sometimes it’s hard to get people to move past their preconceived notions and see that, but it is possible.  I think that it is the responsibility of those in the lifestyle to educate the rest of the world, even if that’s one person at a time.

Filed under: Thoughts by Sammael
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As happens from time to time, I’ve been going through some stress in the past few weeks.  Not the least of which was coming to the realization that I needed to break things off with one of my girls — I saw that she needed someone who could be more emotionally available.  But I won’t go into that.  Let it suffice to say, I was in need of release.

Being a sadomasochist, I find release in both the giving and receiving of pain.  I had planned to attend an event at the local dungeon, 1763, and to be whipped with a singletail by a friend of mine named Dream.  I wasn’t aware that the demonstrator for that night was to be Wayne Brawner, though — someone very skilled with whips, who had mentored Dream’s own mentor.  He had come without a demonstration partner, having planned to take a volunteer from the crowd.  So of course, I volunteered.  It actually was a bit more organic than that — we talked some before the demonstration during the social period, I expressed my interest, and so it was.

Wayne talked a bit about his ideas on S&M.  For example, he doesn’t believe in safe words.  This was my first experience with him, but I got the distinct impression that he is a bit of a harder player, and that he uses S&M as a spiritual experience.  He talked about forcing people past their limits, bringing them to the point of tears, and then anger, and then laughter.  In my head, I could see his point.  Those in the Sun Dance ritual weren’t allowed to call “red,” were they?  I knew I was in for a trial, but that is exactly what I came for.

And he did not disappoint.  After a brief demonstration of the versatility of a singletail whip — first beating me on the back with the handle end, then showing how wrapping can be done on purpose to good effect — he went right into it with no warmup to speak of.  After a few lashes to my back, it seemed that he realized I wasn’t very sensitive to pain there, so he went at my front, directly for the navel and nipples (my nipples are extremely sensitive).  He was unrelenting, hitting the most sensitive spots over and over again without mercy.  I knew that his goal was to break me down, and to prove something to me.

And he did.  He took me past what I had ever experienced before.  First I began to sweat, and then to shake.  Eventually it was all I could do to stand on my feet — part of me wished that I had been strapped to a cross, but the greater part of me knew that would have been too easy.  After whipping my left nipple repeatedly (the man has deadly accuracy), he would come up and pinch it, and twist it.  And then my right, but he didn’t torture that one with the whip so much.  Probably just to give a contrast.  I’m not sure how long it went on, but at some point I started to experience nausea, and he stopped shortly thereafter.

I was vulnerable.  Stripped bare of ego and pretense.  I felt… raw.  Alive.

And it struck me then that sadists are more than someone who gives pain, and release.  A skilled sadist breaks you down so that you can rebuild yourself.  Holds a mirror to you, to show you not who you think you are, not who people tell you you are, but who you really are.  Sometimes you’re actually stronger than what you believe.  Sometimes you’re weaker.  Either way, you’re forced to see it, and deal with it.

Later that night, after I had recovered some, I had the pleasure of helping my own bottom to find some release.  I can’t say that I broke her down as Wayne did me, but then again I couldn’t hope to match his experience in that arena.  It felt good to be able to give back, and after that night I’ve come to see my role as a dominant/top in a deeper way.  I also realize what drew me to this lifestyle.  I used to think it was simply about pain and pleasure.  That is only the surface though.  I’ve always sought to help others in their paths in life, with whatever small amount of wisdom or empathy I could offer.  BDSM is an extension of that.  It’s about personal growth, evolution, enlightenment.  It’s about burning everything to the ash so that it can be rebuilt stronger, healthier, renewed.

Filed under: Goings-On, Thoughts by Sammael
Tags: « 1763 - image - singletail - wayne brawner - whip »
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