BDSM Weblog

It seems to me that in any lifestyle, or hobby, or philosophy, many people tend to think that their way is “the right” way. If you’re doing something differently, it might work for you for a little while or a long while, but if you did it their way, then you’d definitely be better off. I suppose this is sort of related to my post “Your Kink is Disgusting! (But Mine is Natural).”

I will preface this with the fact that I am fairly inexperienced when it comes to the ways of the “old guard” and the leather lifestyle. I can only write about the interactions I’ve seen, and even that with the caveat that these are some general observations, and I’m not saying everyone involved in either “camp” thinks or feels this way. Also, this post isn’t directed at anyone in particular.

A lot of people from “the newer generation” (folks in their 20s and 30s in the lifestyle) seem to look down on the old guard ways as overly structured, outdated, nonsensical, and/or inapplicable to today’s world. And by the same token, I get the impression that a lot of people from the old guard tend to look down on anyone who doesn’t follow their ways as disrespectful, a “dabbler,” and/or simply childish.

No one path is right for everyone. Each person has to do what works for them. For some, for example, it makes a lot of sense that you should be a bottom/submissive before you become a top/dominant. You gain first-hand experience, more intimate knowledge of what the effects of certain tools or actions will be. You learn how the submissive/masochist thinks, and you gain insight into how to bend their body or mind to your will when you “graduate” to the other side. For others, that philosophy is simply wrong. Acting out the part of the sub won’t give them any more insight into the submissive’s mindset because they simply can’t think like a submissive, even if they forced themselves to act as one. Feeling pain wouldn’t give them a better view into the masochist’s mind because they inherently dislike receiving pain, and can’t understand the subtleties of sadism any better by being on the other side of it.

And as an aside, it’s just as easy to be a disrespectful snot, or a sensible person, whether one is old-guard or new — I’ve personally seen very little correlation there.

To me, the situation is analogous to that of the Christian-hating atheist, or the lesbian that looks down on bisexual women. There is an inherent hypocrisy there. Though it is, of course, natural to form stereotypes. Every last one of us uses stereotypes on a regular basis. We’d be pretty naive and unable to function in life if we didn’t do that.

Stereotypes are a good thing. Biases are not.

The distinction may seem subtle, but it’s not — the difference is in how open your mind is. If you have a stereotype, you might form a preconceived notion that that guy is probably a hardcore, high-protocol, gay male because all you know about him is that he’s in the leather lifestyle. And that’s fine. But if, in interacting with him, you observe evidence to the contrary and dismiss it or ignore it, then you are being biased. As the saying goes, “Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.” (I’ve heard that quote attributed to Frank Zappa, James Dewar, and Anthony J. D’Angelo.)

So all of this is, I suppose, a long-winded way of saying that I wish fewer people in the lifestyle (and in general) were biased. Most of the people I’ve met are open-minded, but it seems like a few get stuck in the rut of, “My way is the One True/Best Way.” I think that philosophy is bred of insecurity, that it leads to ignorance, and that it is a huge barrier to personal growth. Of course, I also realize the inherent hypocrisy in my saying that — damn paradoxes!

Filed under: Rants, Thoughts by Sammael