BDSM Weblog

At first blush, it seems like giving oral sex is a submissive activity. You’re giving pleasure to another, and it’s as simple as that.

Or is it?

When I first started thinking about this, I had heard people in the past talk about how giving oral sex is a sign of dominance. The first time I heard it, I was sort of confused as to how that could be. But then I thought about it a bit more, and it started making more sense.

When you’re giving oral sex, you are the one in control (exceptions to be noted later). You decide what the other person feels, how intensely they feel it, when they come. You can bring them to the edge, and then back off. You can tease them how you please. All of these are very dominant things, leaving you as the “giver” in control. I’ve known some people unable to come from oral sex because they have a problem letting someone else have that power over them.

On a related note, in an S&M sense (as opposed to D/s), the top is the one creating the sensations, and the bottom is the one that experiences them.  Though this might or might not involve any sort of overt power exchange, the top is definitely the one in control (safe-words and so forth notwithstanding).  And in this case, performing oral sex would correlate to the activity of a top.

But on the other hand, performing oral sex can also be a distinctly submissive activity.  It can be looked at as giving service to another.  Being between another person’s legs — not that that’s the only way to suck a cock or orally ravage a cunt, mind you — is a fairly submissive physical position.  Additionally, it’s definitely possible for the receiver to be the one in control.  For example, if a guy has a girl’s hair wrapped around his fist, and he’s shoving himself down her throat* fucking her face, then I don’t think it could be argued that she’s the dominant one in that circumstance.

So, my answer to the question is: it depends.  It can be either, or neither, depending on how you’re doing it.  Dominants shouldn’t feel less dominant because they have the desire to give — I myself identify as a dominant, but I do so love to eat a girl out.

* Guys, do get previous consent before ever attempting anything like this, ‘kay?

Filed under: Thoughts by Sammael