For some reason, that feels a bit hard for me to admit openly to the BDSM community. It seems like it’s almost expected that people be into it — I mean hell, it’s the first letter in BDSM!

I’ve heard others say that they like bondage because it puts the partner completely at their whim. I like having my partner completely at my whim without having to rely on her being tied up to do it. I love struggle play. It’s much, much more fun for me to wrestle my partner to the ground and pin her so that I can do what I want even as she struggles, than to immobilize her so that she is incapable of fighting back. Some tops aren’t strong enough, or well-trained enough (martially speaking), to utterly physically dominate someone in this way — or at least, not without the other person losing the struggle on purpose, anyway. And I can completely understand that for those people, bondage is their only option when it comes to physically dominating someone.

But me, I want her to be able to (try to) fight back. I want her to feel, viscerally, that I am dominating her and there is nothing she can do to stop it*. I want to see that realization wash over her, and for her to try denying it even as she knows it, and then eventually give in. And then I want to put her in more pain, different pain, to where she forgets all over again and tries to struggle again.

That is the sort of domination that gets me off.

What I don’t like is the idea of taking 15 minutes to tie a girl down while she sits there cooperating. I love how shibari looks as an art form, but I guess the part of my brain that is into BDSM doesn’t have the patience for it.

Cuffs I’m okay with, but if we’re just talking about my enjoyment, I still prefer not to use them. But that said, it seems like lots and lots of people are into bondage (rope and otherwise). So I feel compelled to at the very least learn and become expert at some basic ties that are quick to put on. I realize that, from a psychological perspective, some people need to be tied down to feel completely powerless. And I definitely do want my partner to be enjoying herself too.

Also, I realize there are some situations where it’s not possible to personally physically restrain someone while having a scene. For instance, I can’t hold someone down and hit them with a 6-foot bullwhip at the same time (not unless I hit them with the handle, anyway). In those cases I still prefer my partner to be free of bonds, but if I’m going to go so hard that they need support to continue standing, I’m fine with cuffing them.

If you’re a bondage aficionado, what do you get from it? The art/aesthetic pleasure? The immobilization/power factor? Something else altogether?

* Other than calling red, of course.

So, where is the line between BDSM and abuse? What it really boils down to is the intent of the top. If the top has the wellbeing of the bottom in mind, then it is not abuse. If the top really couldn’t give a shit about the bottom or hir safety, then they are being abusive. While we might roleplay degradation, if the so-called top really doesn’t care about the bottom then it’s not BDSM, period. Even in a TPE situation the master should care for their slave — if the slave is property, they should be a prized possession, to be cherished and taken good care of. In regards to abuse, I heard the sentiment expressed, “That (abusive) guy cared more for his car than for his girlfriend.”

However, intent is an internal thing — looking at a situation from the outside (or even as the potential victim), it can be nearly impossible to decipher. So personally, I like to use the distinction of hurt vs. harm. Hurt is what we do in BDSM play — be it pain of a physical nature like that of the singletailed wihp, or pain of a mental nature such as humiliation and degradation play. However, this is pain of a temporary nature. If the top is doing something that causes the bottom harm, then it’s abuse.

So what is harm? When I say harm here, I mean making a person weaker. Physically, making them disabled (e.g. purposefully wrenching their arm out of its socket, causing a permanent physical disability). Mentally, making them less able to successfully interact with the world at large (e.g. robbing them of their sense of self-esteem and self-worth). I’d even go further to say that any good top should seek to make their bottom stronger as a person — stretching their limits, helping them overcome fear and anxiety, making them better able to cope with the world.

If you think a friend is the victim of abuse, my advice is to not step in directly, but to continue to be there for them, even if they say they don’t want you around. Abusers often cut off their victims from their friends, so if it is an abusive situation, then you could be their only lifeline. However, taking direct action like calling the police on the abuser has often ended in tragedy for the victim. The abuser goes to jail for a few weeks or months, gets out, and takes revenge on the victim. Not a pretty story.

As a closing note, I’d like to take a moment to point out that mental abuse is far more insidious, and (from what I’ve seen) common, than physical abuse.

I also posted this at another blog that I write for, but I think it’s pretty widely applicable so I’m posting it here, too.  Of course, BDSM relationships tend to have their own break-up complications, but this is mostly about how to deal with the emotional aspects of a breakup, not the social aspects.

Breakups are inevitable. That’s not to say that all relationships are doomed to end, but it is nearly impossible to go through life without ever having to end a relationship. And in having more than one romantic relationship at a time, generally poly folks have to deal with breakups more than monogamous people. So I’d like to talk a little about some good and bad coping strategies to use when ending a relationship.

The following is information I’ve gleaned from my own break-ups, and those I’ve observed. So it comes from my experiences, those of others, and my knowledge of psychology and people in general.

In my experience, break-ups are formulaic in two ways: there’s a formula for doing it in a way with the least amount of overall pain, and there’s a formula for how people naturally want to do it. And in my experience, these two things are mutually exclusive.

When breaking up, do:

1. Make sure that you’ve talked it out first, and gotten closure. Sometimes both parties aren’t going to want the break-up; if you’re on the side that wants to stay together, keep in mind that if the other person isn’t invested, then it just won’t work no matter how much you want it to. You can’t force it.
2. Be steadfast. After having talked it out, if the decision was made that breaking up is what needs to be done, keep to that. Sometimes it’s going to feel like you made the wrong decision; accept that you will feel this way, and don’t let it sway you.
3. Have a support system. Rely on your friends. Have someone you can go to, to tell them what you’re going through. Preferably, someone who has been there themselves, and can warn you away from the pitfalls.
4. Accept the pain. It will be there even if you do things perfectly, and it is part of the process.

With that said, here are some things that people do that interferes with the break-up process.

When breaking up, do not…:

1. …avoid the pain. This is closely related to #4 in the “do” section, but merits its own mention. That’s because this is what your natural instinct will be (we feel pain, we want to avoid it), but don’t follow that impulse. That pain is not only unavoidable, but necessary in order to let go of the relationship. It’s fine to distract yourself from time to time, to take the pain in smaller chunks, but don’t let that turn into avoidance. There is a difference between coping with the pain, and trying to take a shortcut past it. The latter never works out well, and only ends in more pain in the end.
2. …break up during the heat of emotion, like during/after an argument. Arguments happen, feelings get hurt, even in the most healthy of relationships. The decision to break up needs to be made with a clear mind.
3. …go immediately from being lovers to being friends. I cannot emphasize how important this is. Especially if one party involved hasn’t fully let go of the relationship, don’t try to go directly from lovers to friends. It’s impossible to make that transition successfully without having a period of no contact. That means none – block them on Facebook, don’t go to an event that you know they’ll be at, no contact at all. I’ve seen many cases where people think that they are open/honest enough, enlightened enough, whatever enough that they can skip this no-contact period. And I have yet to see a single instance of that leading to anything other than more pain.
4. …have break-up sex. This leads to the yo-yo cycle of breaking up and getting back together again. If you must have break-up sex, let it be with someone other than who you’re breaking up with. Sometimes fucking someone else is the best way to get the taste of someone out of your mouth (pun intended). Though beware #5 below.
5. …get into a serious rebound relationship. Rebounds are fine, in my opinion, and can even be healthy, as long as everyone recognizes it for what it is. That’s also not to say that a rebound relationship can’t ever develop into a “real” longterm relationship; but in my experience, that’s rare.

Dealing with a breakup generally involves going through the five stages of grief in the Kübler-Ross model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  The stages don’t always come in that order, mind you, and we can revisit previous stages.  For example, you might be intensely angry at the other person until it wears you down into depression, but then at some point later when you’re not as emotionally fatigued, you could feel the anger again. And sometimes, some people don’twant to let go of the pain and the anger — that’s all that’s left of the relationship, and they feel compelled to cling to it in any way that they can, even if unhealthy.

And on that note, the road to healing is not a smooth one.  It is filled with peaks and valleys — maybe one day you’ll feel fine and completely over it, convinced that you’re fine and will be fine going forward… and the next day you’ll cry and just want to be in their arms again with everything as it used to be. It sucks, but that’s how it goes.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel — you will heal eventually. I hope that the above advice helps people get to that light more quickly. Do you have any tips or advice that I didn’t cover? Leave them in the comments!

Gods, but I love the feeling of a whip in my hand. A flick of the wrist, and the cracker licks the skin softly. A snap of the elbow and a flick of the wrist, and it bites in. I love the feedback I get through the whip itself, and the feedback I get watching the bottom. The sound of it popping lightly, the twitch, and a moment later that angry red welt rising. It gives me shivers just thinking about it.

This is the third time I’ve gotten to use a whip on a live target, and first time I’ve really been able to do almost exactly what I wanted with it. I practiced for a while on a hat strung up as a target, but really my best practice came working with a live target. The first time wasn’t that great — there were a fair number of times where I missed my intended target. The second time was much better. And this last time… now I more fully understand why some people are addicted to the crack of the whip (pardon the pun).

My back after my first experience receiving a singletailing

Warning: rant ahead. (I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.)

A lot of people say you should practice for 10 years in a secluded monastery until you can knock over one dime in a row of dimes, blindfolded, before you use a whip on a person.

I call bullshit.

My whip teacher, who has been using whips for over 12 years, says that if you stay below the neck, you really can’t harm someone with a whip unless you strangle them, hit them with the blunt end really hard, or try to shove it down their throat. Other than that, you can make marks and maybe even draw blood, sure. But you’re not going to do anything that sends them to the emergency room. There’s simply not enough kinetic energy there. An amateur bondage enthusiast who doesn’t know what they’re doing can cause far worse damage than an amateur whip thrower.

This is coming from a guy that’s skilled enough to singletail someone’s face. I’ve seen him do it — just hitting with the fluff of the cracker on the eyelids for sensation play, biting in with the knot a bit on the cheeks. He often uses two whips simultaneously, Florentine style. I’m saying this not to glamorize him, but rather to say that this is a guy who knows his craft, and knows what his tools are capable of.

That said, if you’re learning on a live target, to begin with I highly suggest they wear a hoodie and some jeans. If they do that, they’re protected from anything you are likely to do to them — in fact, I can almost guarantee you that you’ll end up hurting yourself more than you will them.

The point is, a live person can tell you where you’re hitting, how hard you’re hitting, whether it’s a point of punctuation or a dragging feeling, whether you’re hitting with the cracker or the fall of a bullwhip (protip: don’t hit with the fall, almost no one likes that). Your skill will increase an order of magnitude faster when working with a live person, than with an inanimate target.

Being young does not mean that one is immature; it means that one is more likely to be immature. Conversely, neither does being older mean that one is mature. There are plenty of 40-somethings out there with the mentality of teenagers.

I’m young, and I apparently look even younger than I am*. I’m sure I’ve been the subject of age discrimination in the lifestyle, but I honestly have no problem with that. I am very forthright in what my level of experience is, and in that I am always looking to learn more — and I will be learning more so long as I draw breath. I think that respect should be earned, and I have no qualms with earning it from others, given a chance.

But to again flip the coin over, I also do not extend automatic respect just because someone has been in the lifestyle for several decades. I do tend to give a more leeway to those in the leather lifestyle that have earned the title of master, but I liken that to someone with the title of master in martial arts. At the very least, they (ostensibly) have a lot of experience. But someone not in the leather lifestyle who introduces themselves as “Master Suchandsuch” does tend to turn me off immediately. Sort of like those I mentioned in my last post, the dominants/masters online who use capital letters when referring to themselves (e.g. “I am a twue master, and My slaves all know it and bow before Me”).

* At the first munch I went to, asking my age was one of the first questions out of several people’s mouths. My response was always, “Guess first, and then I’ll tell you.” The numbers that most guessed were about 7 years too young.

But when someone refers to themselves as in, “It is My opinion that…” it immediately makes me think that they’re overcompensating. Same feeling I get when people introduce themselves as “Master so-and-so.” Or when listening to a conversation where doms are having a proverbial dick measuring contest, trying to prove that they’re the most twue dom.

What about the flip side of the coin, you ask? When a submissive refers to themselves like, “i think…”? Still sets off some alarms for me, but for some reason not quite so much — I’m not sure why, and I’ll have to think about that.

And I also have no issue with one party or the other using differentiated capitalization when writing to the other — to the contrary, I think that’s a good way for a submissive to show deference.

In a lot of the more serious dungeons, there is no alcohol allowed. The secondary issue with that is that would require a liquor license in most places too, but nonetheless, most serious lifestylers agree that drinking and BDSM don’t go together.

I’d thought that most, in fact, were teetotalers when it came to drinking and playing.  And while some definitely are, the more I talked to people in the community, the more I found out that this wasn’t true. A friend of (who is an experienced dominant) had a few drinks when we were at dinner before playing in the dungeon, and I was a bit surprised. She told me, “A drink or two helps me to loosen up some.” She’s deadly accurate with a singletail whip (or with two at once!), and who am I to question her judgment?

And the more I paid attention, the more I saw this philosophy in other experienced players. Now, it was generally when they were playing with someone they were already experienced with, which is important to note.  And that also brings me to a…

Caveat! I am not saying that you should drink and kink. I am saying that from my personal experience, one needn’t be of the philosophy “if you’ve had a single drop of alcohol then you can’t play for the night!” I myself have played when I was too close to that edge, and better safe than sorry as they say.

In fact, my “too close to the edge” incident happened recently. It was at a gothy event that had some BDSM on the side, and with my girl not there and me without my equipment, I wasn’t planning on playing, so I had a few drinks. Then an opportunity planted itself firmly in my lap. There was a girl at the event that I’d wanted to play with for some time, but the timing was never right. Speaking with her there, it seemed that she had wanted to play with me as well. A guy standing next to us offered his flogger. I’m a pretty good self-judge, and I knew I hadn’t had enough drinks in me to lose accuracy. And the flogger, like the girl, was very well put together. So I couldn’t resist.

What I didn’t account for was that the flogger was weighted very differently than I was used to — it had longer falls, and a longer handle. My floggers are generally balanced right around the neck, this one was balanced further down the handle. So there were a few times that I wrapped. Which grates on my nerves like fingernails across a chalkboard. It screams amateur, and I am better than that.

The girl graciously told me afterward that she hardly noticed, and that it was a great scene. But you see, I’m a self-perfectionist. Also, what if I had had more drinks? Would I have passed up the opportunity in favor of caution? I think I would have, but I can’t really say.

This weekend I will be attending Frolicon, where there will lots of alcohol, and lots of play going on. I generally only make a mistake once, and I won’t be making that one again.

And though I talk about this from the perspective of a top, the same is true of the other side. If you feel worthless unless you have someone to serve, that is not healthy. While the lifestyle provides a good outlet for filling that void, it can also be used as a band-aid to cover up deeper issues that need direct attention (and possibly even therapy).

Just to make it clear, I’m not saying that if you don’t feel complete without dominance/submission being part of your life then there’s something wrong with you, or you have no self-esteem.  I’m saying that if you measure your worth (consciously or subconsciously) by the presence of someone filling that role in your life, then you should ask yourself if your use of BDSM is feeding  the problem rather than solving it. I strongly believe BDSM is a healthy way for many people to work through issues, but that’s not to say that all people engage in it in a healthy manner.

Of course, the same is true in the vanilla world. Again, self-esteem that is absent without the love/affection/attention/approval of another isn’t self-esteem at all. And here I would like to say that you, dear reader, are a worthwhile individual of your own accord, with or without a partner, in the BDSM world or otherwise.

Knowing that I was into the lifestyle, he talked to me, related his story, and got some advice. I am ever gleeful to bring someone over to the dark side. Since then he’s been reading some good literature, and getting involved in the community of FetLife.com.

Last week, he also needed a change of scenery, to get away from some distinctly negative influences for a while, so he visited me. In addition to all the normal hanging out stuff, we did a few lifestyle-oriented things.

Wednesday, my mentor was holding a demonstration on flogging, so we went to that. I didn’t tell him that it was at a gay bar until we were on our way there. What? I’m a sadist, after all! Seriously though, he wasn’t squicked by that, and found the demonstration to be very informative. He also learned that when one goes to a demonstration, one inevitably gets the intense urge to practice whatever was being demonstrated. The price of knowledge.

Later that week, we went to a local munch, and this one was good in that it had a discussion (last week’s topic was punishment and obedience training). So he got to meet some people in a non-threatening environment, and listen to a lot of different viewpoints. Unfortunately, the room we had at the buffet was overflowing, so it was a bit tough to carouse much.

Then later in the weekend, there was a play party at the local dungeon. It was one of the less crowded nights, which was a good thing in that it meant my girl and I actually got to use the whip room (it’s been way too long since I’ve been able to singletail her, and we got crack-blocked at a previous play party by someone who jumped us in line for the equipment). It also wasn’t overwhelming for Jerzeem. As almost everyone is their first time in a dungeon, he felt a little awkward, and was quiet, but he enjoyed the experience, and got to see a few different styles of play. One thing he noted was that a lot of the play was more ritualized than he’d imagined it would be.

So, he got a little taste of a few different aspects of the BDSM world last week. He’s already arranged to go to some munches in his home town, and is even looking forward to a BDSM convention there. And he just this weekend realized that Harley and Joker had a distinctly BDSM-tinted relationship. Let’s just hope he doesn’t think too hard about Batman and Robin. Ageplay, anyone?

What I engage in is really more of “oxygen play” than breath play — coming from a martial arts background, I know a variety of chokes, and in martial arts they are split into two categories: blood chokes and air chokes. Blood chokes (like the sleeper hold, also known as the rear naked choke) cut off the flow of blood to the brain, whereas air chokes cut off the air supply to the lungs (which eventually cuts off the supply of oxygen to the brain). Blood chokes are far and away my favorite, for a couple of reasons.

First, blood chokes are much safer. Air chokes, which generally put pressure on the trachea, can cause damage to the trachea if there is too much struggling or if you apply the choke too hard. With blood chokes, unless you’re incredibly strong and using all of your strength, it’s unlikely that you’ll cause any damage even if you put the choke on very hard (assuming you let go once the other person goes limp).  According to Knight’s book Forensic Pathology, there is an expert consensus that it takes a minimum of four to six minutes to start to do permanent brain damage with a completely effective choke hold. So when you’re talking about 10 seconds or less, you should be well within the safe zone.

Second, the effect of a blood choke is almost immediate – you can choke someone to unconsciousness in easily under 10 seconds, whereas with an air choke it could take a minute or more. This can be good and bad, depending on what you’re going for. With an air choke, that leaves more time for panic (if that’s what you’re going for), but also more time for struggling, and more opportunities for an accident to occur. I don’t care how bad a girl she’s been; crushing her trachea is not appropriate punishment!

A note about blood chokes and unconsciousness: there are several levels of unconsciousness, and a properly applied blood choke will put someone into a basic level of unconsciousness quickly. So quickly and easily that you might think they’re faking. Trust me, they’re not. And while you can safely apply the choke for a while longer after this — maybe an extra 5-10 seconds — their body will reflexively go into panic mode, and even though they’re unconscious, they will thrash about. While this isn’t particularly dangerous for them if you have them secured (and assuming you don’t apply the choke for a long time after that), it will cause them to come back to consciousness more panicked, and generally with a splitting headache to boot. I’ve made this mistake before, so please learn from my mistakes!

Also, choking to the point of unconsciousness is (of course) not the only option, nor one I necessarily recommend. It takes a huge level of trust from the bottom, and a fair amount of knowledge from the top, to safely do that. Engaging in carotid chokes that do not end in unconsciousness (i.e. are only applied for a second or two) also gives that feeling of power exchange, the moment of panic, the building of trust.

*    *    *

The other night, I talked some with my girl about breath play, trying to find out what she gets from it. I highly recommend that you talk with your partner about these sorts of things, by the way — not just breath play, but your SM relationship in general. Getting a peek into your partner’s head helps you know them better, which strengthens the bond, and also makes play more fun. Knowledge is power, after all. *grin*

For her, there are several elements. There is the element of struggle, which is enjoyable for her. She is physically strong, and also grew up with two brothers, so she’s used to wrestling. She also has dated far more women than men, and even the men she’s dated she’s been able to physically best them in such situations for the most part. So she’s used to winning. For me (a skinny guy) to be able to physically overpower her when she’s really trying gives a certain edge to it; she’s not roleplaying and pretending to let me take control over her, I am physically taking control of her in a very real way.

There is the physical element as well. Breath play makes orgasms more intense. This is no doubt why so many deaths from auto-erotic asphyxiation occur. I’m not sure how much of this is purely physical, and how much psychological. I can say that even clasping a hand around a partner’s throat and applying light pressure has seemed to make their orgasms more intense. Note that this experience is always with people who welcomed it though — it’s absolutely not the sort of thing you do without discussing it first. But I don’t need to tell you that. You are all negotiating before scenes, and all you tops that want to engage in breath play are asking if it’s okay, right? Good, I thought so!

But the biggest aspect is trust. Once I lock in a choke, there is the moment of panic. She knows that she is completely powerless, at my whim. And though there is that survival instinct screaming in her brain, she also knows that she is in no danger. It’s exciting; it’s a rush of adrenaline; it both requires trust and strengthens it.

And then when she comes to, there is that split second where she doesn’t know where she is, what’s going on, or what just happened. Fear. Confusion. But she sees my face, feels me against her, and she is immediately at ease. The contrast from one extreme to the other makes it all the more significant.

From my end, it’s the exact same from the other side of the coin. It is an amazing feeling of control, and it feels good knowing that someone trusts you to that extent. You can see it, and feel it. In this day and age of emotional repression and distancing, it is beautiful to be able to form a bond that close, and in doing this sort of thing, you experience how deep of a bond it really is.

Though all SM activities require trust, I think that breath play, and especially breath play involving carotid choking to the point of unconsciousness, requires a different level of trust. If the top were to do something wrong, by accident or on purpose, it could more easily and quickly result in death than with any other SM activity that immediately comes to mind.  The worst-case scenario, no matter how unlikely, is still pretty extreme. Perhaps this is one of the reasons that Jay Wiseman is against it.

For me, the risks are acceptable; my girl is more likely to be injured or killed out driving than while in my arms’ crushing caress. It’s a risk that each person involved has to weigh, but some people see it as unquestionably too dangerous to engage in, and I personally disagree vehemently with that notion.