Bondage and Me

Monday, August 9th, 2010

I am really not all that into bondage.

For some reason, that feels a bit hard for me to admit openly to the BDSM community. It seems like it’s almost expected that people be into it — I mean hell, it’s the first letter in BDSM!

I’ve heard others say that they like bondage because it puts the partner completely at their whim. I like having my partner completely at my whim without having to rely on her being tied up to do it. I love struggle play. It’s much, much more fun for me to wrestle my partner to the ground and pin her so that I can do what I want even as she struggles, than to immobilize her so that she is incapable of fighting back. Some tops aren’t strong enough, or well-trained enough (martially speaking), to utterly physically dominate someone in this way — or at least, not without the other person losing the struggle on purpose, anyway. And I can completely understand that for those people, bondage is their only option when it comes to physically dominating someone.

But me, I want her to be able to (try to) fight back. I want her to feel, viscerally, that I am dominating her and there is nothing she can do to stop it*. I want to see that realization wash over her, and for her to try denying it even as she knows it, and then eventually give in. And then I want to put her in more pain, different pain, to where she forgets all over again and tries to struggle again.

That is the sort of domination that gets me off.

What I don’t like is the idea of taking 15 minutes to tie a girl down while she sits there cooperating. I love how shibari looks as an art form, but I guess the part of my brain that is into BDSM doesn’t have the patience for it.

Cuffs I’m okay with, but if we’re just talking about my enjoyment, I still prefer not to use them. But that said, it seems like lots and lots of people are into bondage (rope and otherwise). So I feel compelled to at the very least learn and become expert at some basic ties that are quick to put on. I realize that, from a psychological perspective, some people need to be tied down to feel completely powerless. And I definitely do want my partner to be enjoying herself too.

Also, I realize there are some situations where it’s not possible to personally physically restrain someone while having a scene. For instance, I can’t hold someone down and hit them with a 6-foot bullwhip at the same time (not unless I hit them with the handle, anyway). In those cases I still prefer my partner to be free of bonds, but if I’m going to go so hard that they need support to continue standing, I’m fine with cuffing them.

If you’re a bondage¬†aficionado, what do you get from it? The art/aesthetic pleasure? The immobilization/power factor? Something else altogether?

* Other than calling red, of course.

4 Comments to “Bondage and Me”
  1. Erinkyan says:

    Honestly? I have no idea what I get from it. I just know that I adore it, that if I go too long without it I get grumpy.

    Coming from a martial arts background and having to give it up for health, I also find rope to be my new martial art. I find the same focus and presence in rope that I found in martial arts.

    Certainly the aesthetics is a big part of it. But I don’t know what the huge pull is. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe it’s just all the little things – that it’s fun, that it looks nice, that it makes people smile when they’re in it. Who knows.

    I know that there is an added reason why I enjoy suspension bondage – because it makes me feel powerful in a way that nothing else does. Hefting someone’s entire weight around and manipulating it as I see fit is a very powerful thing.

    • Sammael says:

      Thanks for the insight. :) I can definitely see how suspension bondage gives that feeling of power. Also, there are some fun sex positions that can be done with suspension bondage. ;)

      While watching some other riggers, I realized something else that people get from rope bondage that I didn’t even think about when writing this: physical touch. Getting to touch, caress, squeeze and tease the bottom as you’re putting the rope on. And if you become known as being good with ropes, it seems that all sorts of sexy rope sluts* come out from the woodwork (or would that be ropework?).

      * As a note, I do not mean that term in a derogatory manner. I’ve never used “slut” in that way — to me it means someone who is open with their sexuality, and I therefore mean it as a compliment when I use it.

  2. pretty lil redhead says:

    So I sort of stumbled on your blog by accident while attempting to Google something Fetlife related. Anyway, as I glanced through, this entry caught my eye and I thought “Heck, why not leave a quick comment.”

    You said: “I want her to be able to (try to) fight back. I want her to feel, viscerally, that I am dominating her and there is nothing she can do to stop it*. I want to see that realization wash over her, and for her to try denying it even as she knows it, and then eventually give in. And then I want to put her in more pain, different pain, to where she forgets all over again and tries to struggle again.

    That is the sort of domination that gets me off.”

    That is the exact kind of domination that appeals to me. It’s physical and raw and basic and nothing else gives me a feeling like it.

    Having said that, I find that there is something almost equally powerful in being bound, just in a different way. It’s a different kind of helplessness. When I’m tied up (or down as the case may be), there is really, truly no chance of escape. With ropes or cuffs or whatever securing me in place, I know the only way to get free is if I’m let free. It’s a heady feeling to be that helpless and open, and to have been the one to put myself there. That level of trust kind of makes my head spin.

    Anyway, that’s my 2 cents. Thanks for sharing yours.

    • Sammael says:

      Thanks for the feedback, red! I can definitely see how that can give you a charge. Another aspect of rope/cuff bondage for some is that it helps get past mental blocks. For example, many people have grown up being taught that kinky sex is “dirty” and “bad,” so when you’re tied down it feels like you don’t have any choice in the matter. So you’re not doing anything bad, you’re having bad things done to you… and your subconscious can let you enjoy them.

Leave a Reply

(required)

(required)


Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.